Tag Archives: mania

God Has Your Tears, Precious One.

You’re not too far…

The Tears of the Righteous (Charles Lawson)



Taking Meds and Getting In Bed: Bipolar relapse prevention


Taking morning meds right now at noon. I’m a little behind schedule but my sleep was crappy last night. I just cannot stay up and be a pro-gamer with my husband because being a person living with Bipolar disorder, I need a nice, uninterrupted night’s sleep. Have you ever noticed your moods fluctuate when just one night becomes a few? I know I have. My sleep schedule has been out of whack for a little while now. I am determined to go to bed at a particular time, no matter how restless my spirit is. It’s like many times I just feel like I’m missing out on something, so inside I fight going to bed. In reality, I end up eating when I shouldn’t because of the P.M. meds, or anxiety. If I don’t go lay down after chasing them all with my sprite to cover up the chalky, blue Lamictal, the taste in my mouth is just…ugh! So it’s really not worth staying up.

It’s time to reset the body clock. I am so tired and afraid to nap, which is because my naps have become bigger—3 hours ones verses the old 1.5 hour ones. We’ve been here in my hometown for a month now, and since we’ve moved here I’ve been keeping odd hours and not sleeping as well as I should. I’ve been in treatment now over a decade for the Bipolar disorder so I know that this is a red flag. The lack of decent sleep is bad. The sign of not needing sleep when you only got a few hours the night before is a sign you’re in Bipolar hot water. Mania and depression feed off of our violating the rules for sanity! These things mess with our fragile minds. There are so many who are unmediated, or maybe they are, and still do not get the necessary sleep for stability, and the best moods/quality of life.

Last night I didn’t blog, I used the good ole journal and pen instead to get down my thoughts and feelings on a few subjects. I guess I’ll create a post with them later on.

So, yeah.

Taking meds on a regular schedule and getting a nice, uninterrupted night’s sleep are 2 of the things which are vital for a happy, successful life in which we may thrive and not just hang on to survive.

I’m working on it! As we all know, there is no cure right now for Bipolar disorder. We just have to do what we can, best we can and follow the guidelines for a healthy life and sound mind.

The move my husband and I made to this town was quite a big change. I’m going to step up to the plate now though now and work harder.


Plumb, The Singer.

“She can hardly speak, and so she screams.” –Manic, by Plumb

Such a powerful line, don’t you think?

I love this song! Plumb is awesome…

Above /\

—Me with my first guitar. I still do not play. Its a beautiful prop though! Jk! However, I am looking into buying a new one since I recently sold my Fender Stratocoustic…which I deeply regret.

I want to write songs like I did in high school…time to bring it all back.

If You Are Hurting, Hold on!

If You Are Hurting, Hold on!

I’m trusting in God Almighty. When I ran out of the medication I needed to stabilize me upon experiencing a manic episode last week, Our Father stepped in. I had the basic medications I normally take, but my rescue meds were really expired, and I couldn’t get up with my doctor.
These past 4-5 days God has been my Saphris. With the Power in His Hands that touched my fragile, jolted mind I have been able to sleep 8 hours a night for the past 3-4 nights! This is a miracle considering the mania I was fighting with last week. I shouldn’t have gotten much sleep at all. This defies all human logic. I believe in miracles!

Once again when I let my fingers slip away, nearly completely from His Hand with all of that mania which was brought about by my allergy to the stimulant, Caffeine, He did not let me fall. I am not worthy. I’ve been in this cycle for months now, making the same mistakes. I keep poisoning my system with this stimulant that has a horrible reaction with my medications. My allergy is rare and not that common, but Caffeine is Cocaine and Heroine to me. I can get it legally, and through a drive through window-don’t even have to leave my car…

I’m not saying for anyone to stop their medication and leave it all up to God, just simply that when we’re down to nothing and nobody else can help, He CAN, and He WILL DELIVER!!!

No matter how much pain you are dealing with, He is stronger than all of it. Let Him be your Healer, and I guarantee results. Your miracle is only one prayer away! Surrender your life, your pain to Jesus Christ and you will truly know peace.
Blessed be His Holy Name!!! ❤
Praise God!





I’ve swallowed enough Caffeine these past few days so that now I am in a Bipolar mess. I was already sort of in a mixed state. My pdoc never sent me the results of my Lithium level that was drawn over a week ago. I will have to go in for a visit early on this week, asap. Its like I don’t care about doing anything, I have no passion for anything. The only things I care for are God, Christ & my religion, my family, our pets, and sometimes I check on social media. That’s about it.

I find reading beyond boring. I’ll pick up a book and not get beyond reading the back cover, seeing what the reviews are. I almost always fall asleep. No interests in anything as I said…its driving me insane. I’m typically a very optimistic and spiritual person, but all of the stimulation from the Caffeine has changed that. I’ve fallen back into a deep depression. The meds need adjustment again. Maybe going off the Abilify at the end of last year was a bad move. We thought it would help me lose weight, so my doc. slowly tapered me down and completely off of it.

I don’t want to go back on Abilify because during the process of going off of it I came alive! That’s when I really picked up this blog and began really using it. I made it last summer but things sort of really took off at the end of last year. I woke up. No longer a zombie.

I just need the right fit I suppose. He will probably want to begin Latuda as mentioned in months past if the Abilify plan was to crash. I’ve grown weary, and things have begun to slowly darken. I am going to therapy on Monday, and then trying to get in with my psychiatrist.

Friends, guard your mind with all you got. The enemy knows our weaknesses and is most definitely seeking whom he may devour like a lion. It seems as if I have a bizarre psychological addiction to Caffeine, not sure.

I am praying for peace, restoration, strengthening of spirit, and a healing like I’ve never known before. Its just escalated too far. This time, nearly taking me out. Its crazy how Caffeine can destroy me. Maybe that’s why it’s ironically so appealing.

God bless everyone today. Don’t give up on your dreams. If you are hurting, cry out to Jesus with me. He’s the only healer. The true healing we seek comes through Christ. Lets take our pieces and let Jesus make a new heart from what’s left.


I Can Barely Hold My Head Up

I Can Barely Hold My Head Up right now to eat my Kashi cereal-a small serving as a snack for taking medications. I am so sleepy and drained. I haven’t done a whole lot today. I am just exhausted from…myself.

In the past 24 hours I have experienced every human emotion possible. This is not an expression. I’m serious. I let the Caffeine consumption begin again and I nearly fell off the boat again. Thank God for holding onto me, when my hand slips away from His sometimes. Bipolar and Caffeine do not mix. Well, for me at least. Caffeine cancels out all meds or makes them have an adverse effect where everything goes total opposite, and full force in the wrong direction.

Things are okay now. My husband is taking care of me. Today we worked on making the house a home, fixing it the way we want it with the stuff we bought last night. Not everybody understands my irrational behavior including those in his family. I’m sure I’ve blown their minds a time or two by now…

There’s a combo of stressors that when I add Caffeine to, become too much to handle. I know this, and I knew this when I did it all over again, but I am not giving up. I am not over. God is still on The Throne, and I am still His Child. I am going to try and get in with my psychiatrist asap, and am already scheduled for therapy with another professional this Tuesday. I just have to put myself together again. It takes time to detox from this chaos. Lessons reappear until we learn them…

Hopefully I have learned this one.

God bless you tonight!



Xan Land: Insomnia and Risk of Manic Relapse.


Its been about 2 hours since I took my prescribed 2mg Xanax bar for bedtime. Along with that I also took 50mg of Benadryl as directed by my doc. as an additional sleep aid. If you’ve read a few of my recent posts that I published around this same time with a few errors as I was too much of a zombie to proof read, then you know what’s up. For the last few nights, these two sleep aids haven’t done their job. I am wide awake right now and not sleepy at all. I haven’t been showing any signs of mania, but this lack of the need for sleep at night is sort of disturbing to me and is making me worry a bit. Though I haven’t done any of the things listed by my doc. that trigger manic episodes, I have really been under some very intense stress at home, and sort of moody. I have become manic before in the past with stress being a trigger.

You know yesterday night I slept 8 hours, 11pm-7am, then because I was so stressed, I slept yesterday morning from 11am to 4pm as well! That’s too much sleep to function in a healthy manner!

Tonight my husband actually went to be with me at the same time, so we were able to have a sweet, bedtime conversation with some cuddles in between. However, a few funny topics came up and I found myself laughing hard. My husband was laughing as well, but all of this just really rid my body and mind of anything sleepy. I am sure I will pass out before 2:30 (an hour from now) or 3 am. Its still not the same. I plan on sleeping in my recliner in the living room as I don’t want to wake my hubby and for the fact that my soft, brown Cat Napper Recliner is so comfy! Not to mention, I will be using my fancy throw from Barnes & Noble! 😉

Maybe its happening now…the sleepiness. Earlier tonight I read the rest of Chapter 1 in my current fiction read, White Oleander by Janet Fitch. Its like one of the first copies that were sold when it first came out. It even has a built in ribbon for a bookmark!!! Love it! Not only that, It only cost me .50 cents at the local Goodwill! I am very grateful to find such a wonderful story in mint condition, and even though I saw the movie some years back, the book is ever intriguing, with its own flavor.

What are you doing right now? If its late and at night where you are, are you sleepy yet? How many hours of true rest are you getting a night? Don’t lie! lol…

Anyways, I’m going to go read Chapter 2 and try to fall asleep in my chair, God bless! ‘Till we meet again!


xox ❤

*Hopefully I will be able to return to Xan Land soon! (That’s the place you go upon taking Xanax. It induces a deep sleep, and one doesn’t wake up so easily. Ducks begin wearing pants, and toasters get unplugged. What? lol…you just think of all sorts of silly stuff before you pass out 😛 *


*Image source: Google Images

So sleepy I nearly forgot a Title!

So…2 Benadryl pills, and 1 entire 2mg tablet of Xanax later, I am wide awake. They aren’t phasing me  AT ALL.

I don’t understand what’s going on. I’ve never been in such a healthy state of mind at an optimum level of mental health. My exercise is regular and a decent but healthy amount of weight has been slowly melting off. I’ve been eating healthy as far as I can tell throughout the day. I don’t snack much, and if I do, its a low calorie yogurt with high Protein content or something like that.

Staying up late, and being up later at night are not good for this girl. First and most importantly, I’m Bipolar and I need a decent amount of sleep. It doesn’t matter how great you feel when you’re getting 5 hours or less of sleep a night. We Polar-bears become agitated, frustrated, angry, irritable-even a little elated, or just all around moody . After a continuing insomnia or horrible sleep patterns, there is a real potential for the development of a Hypo-mania which can progress into a full blown manic episode as time goes on. You see, when you are dealing with such a tender condition as Bipolar disorder, mania is a fire, a fire of the mind, and it must be put out. It takes the firefighting power of managing the broken sleep, using strong coping mechanisms, and even possible med changes to get you back on track.

The second reason I need to be asleep with it nearing 1 a.m. is that I will snack on high calorie foods-not binge, but eat out of boredom etc..

I am getting sleepy, finally!

Try and get your z’s peoples!

God bless!


OBGYN Offices Can Be Depressing…

I went to my OBGYN today and had my annual exam, and all went well. It was the wait to get behind that door that led to the nurses station and patient rooms that was the most difficult.  Being finally seen by the doc! I dread it a lot, but not always. New mothers with their newborns or little babies, cuddling, comforting them and all smiles. The diaper bags with bottles of milk. And oh, the way babies are drawn to me! They grin ear to ear without fail! I am not being narcissistic, this is truth! Haha! Then there are several pregnant women who have yet to give birth. Its so weird to be in a room full of pregnant women, and be ME. I’m going to tell you the reason why.


As a happily married, young, 28 year old woman, I’m in the age group where people typically begin families. Some younger women in my family have already had their first child, and some more than one. I even know of people I graduated high school with that already have multiple children. I, however, am not one of those women.

In September of 2011 at age 26, I made a strong and difficult decision. A decision so big, that it would change the entire course of my life. I chose to have a tubal ligation. I had to be at the hospital at 7 a.m. and surgery was at 8 a.m. I recall when my doc. arrived. He asked me if I was sure that this was what I wanted to do, and I said most definitely, yes…It was an outpatient surgery, leaving only a tiny scar under my belly button. I had to change bandages and keep the area sterile for awhile, and take it very, very easy for a few days. The pain wasn’t too bad.

Why??? Is the reaction I typically get. That’s exactly what my Gyno. said to me the day I went in for a consultation. He asked me just how many babies I had had in my life, and I told him zero. That’s when he seemed a little hesitant. I told him that I did not want to have any children at all in my lifetime because I was on several psychiatric meds at that time for managing and maintaining a healthy life, having Bipolar disorder (I’m currently on all but one of the previous drugs) and that planning a healthy baby, and experiencing a happy pregnancy just didn’t jive with those meds. A healthy, happy baby and pregnancy didn’t jive with my mental illness either. Or the fact that its genetic, and I knew that for a fact.

As a pregnant Bipolar mom, you have to go off of all meds, or at least most as they are harmful to the unborn baby. For example, Lithium can cause a type of heart defect in babies. Lithium is my rock, and was then. Going off all of your meds when you’re Bipolar means losing support for stability. This is where manic relapse can and does occur. I’d been down that road more than once. The road of destruction, mania, they call it. Losing complete control of your mind and body, doing and saying anything and everything in the world to anyone in the world as it comes…breaking the hearts and spirits of the ones that matter most, and putting the lives of both you and your loved ones in danger. Bad flashbacks. I certainly did not want to be institutionalized during my pregnancy that was supposed to be so happy and celebrated with Baby-bump photos, picking out names, and a Shower. This kind of put a damper on things… So, in summary, I learned that getting pregnant would bring immediate hardship, and long endured hardship if done as instructed for a planned baby. I figured by the time I was weaned off the meds, upon conceiving I would have already snapped. I’m not just making this up. Its real, and I tried. I couldn’t go off them.

maskThere’s also something every woman should know going into pregnancy when being Bipolar. We are far more prone to experience what is called Postpartum Psychosis. This can be lethal for both the mother and baby. The chances of experiencing this increase with each pregnancy.

“Postpartum psychosis (or puerperal psychosis) is a term that covers a group of mental illnesses with the sudden onset of psychotic symptoms following childbirth…The onset is abrupt, and symptoms rapidly reach a climax of severity. Manic and acute polymorphic forms almost always start within the first 14 days, but depressive psychosis may develop somewhat later. A typical example is for a woman to become irritable, have extreme mood swings and hallucinations, and possibly need psychiatric hospitalization.”

Source: Wikipedia

Google for more info.

Maybe you’re thinking that no Bipolar meds means a healthy baby, and only a wreck of a mom? Think again.

“When it comes to children with bipolar and adolescents who have it, they usually have one parent who has the disorder. This isn’t always the case so you want to still watch for any symptoms of bipolar in your children just in case. Children who have parents with this illness will have a risk of 15% to 30%. If both of the parents have it then the risk will be increased to 50% to 75%.”***

I just couldn’t take that chance. I could not risk falling in love with a little piece of Heaven, being the mommy, and the baby being my world…only to have it grow older and have a manic episode and wind up terrified and very likely in danger of some sort. It could possibly ruin his or her life as unexpected manias often do. I just couldn’t wait that long. So many years down the road…Its like Bipolar Disorder comes with an inside bomb that ticks over time, only waiting to go off and explode onto the hearts of the lives of the individual, and the family.
Perhaps you may see my reasoning a little better now.

Some women have babies before even receiving their own Bipolar diagnosis in life. Many women still have babies despite their mental health issues or physical. A lot of overweight women get pregnant and have babies too. Nothing is stopping anyone.  I just know in my heart that I, personally, did the right thing for myself, my husband and our family, and ultimately for my unborn children.

I am a very spiritual person, and religiously a Christian. I believe, and hope that one day if I am fortunate enough to cross through the pearly gates there will be children. My children will be there.  I don’t mean I have some waiting for me there, just that I chose not to ask God to share a few of His most precious souls that were in Heaven with Him at the time. Instead of asking God to send them down to the earth to maybe go through what happened to me and those I know of, or things similarly,  I simply said no. I made the decision to not have natural children of my own.

According to the Holy Bible, there are unborn ones in Heaven, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you…” Jeremiah 1:5.

Also, “The infant will play near the cobra’s den, and the young child will put its hand into the viper’s nest.” Isaiah 11:8.  So at some point there were, are, or are going to be babies in Heaven.

It is the most difficult decision I have ever made. Regrets? No. Sad thoughts  at times. Today for a few moments I felt sad in the doc’s office surrounded by all these pregnant women! I won’t lie, but they are fleeting. Something this major needs to be thought through very carefully. And it was. I waited 2 years before making the move upon figuring things out.

If you are like myself and happen to be a woman who is managing Bipolar disorder and are of childbearing age, desiring children, I encourage you to live your life the best way you can for a stable, sound mind, and explore, ask questions, and most definitely do your homework and research!!! You are a high risk pregnancy! Its important for you to be educated in making these life changing decisions.  Everyone has a story. Live yours to your liking and what will work wonderfully for you! I wish the best for all of you!

In looking for images for this blog, my spirit was lifted, as the image of babies always makes me and many others smile and laugh! It was very therapeutic lol.

God bless everyone, thanks for stopping by! 🙂


***Stats Source/See more at: http://bipolarsymptoms.org

-Images, courtesy Google Images.

When it comes to children with bipolar and adolescents who have it, they usually have one parent who has the disorder. This isn’t always the case so you want to still watch for any symptoms of bipolar in your children just in case. Children who have parents with this illness will have a risk of 15% to 30%. If both of the parents have it then the risk will be increased to 50% to 75%. – See more at: http://bipolarsymptoms.org/bipolar-statistics/#sthash.MDNpVszA.dpuf
When it comes to children with bipolar and adolescents who have it, they usually have one parent who has the disorder. This isn’t always the case so you want to still watch for any symptoms of bipolar in your children just in case. Children who have parents with this illness will have a risk of 15% to 30%. If both of the parents have it then the risk will be increased to 50% to 75%. – See more at: http://bipolarsymptoms.org/bipolar-statistics/#sthash.MDNpVszA.dpuf

Bipolar Mania: Detecting Your Symptoms Early in Prevention of Relapse.

Bipolar Mania: Detecting Your Symptoms Early in Prevention of Relapse.

Whether you’ve just been diagnosed, or are a 10 year Bipolar-bear veteran like myself, manic relapse is still possible. This is why as a person with Bipolar disorder, we require a maintenance to survive and importantly thrive as well! We must try and be in tune with our minds, bodies, and then moods.

In monitoring our thoughts/thinking patterns, whether or not we have racing thoughts, things to do with our bodies like the lack of need for sleep, or akathisia (a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of inner restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless. -Via Wikipedia), and behavioral issues such as pressured speech-when you have just so much to say and cannot get it out fast enough (topic changes, topic changes)! Perhaps you’re feeling just *a little too happy* giddy and giggly. Grandiose thinking and feeling as though the world is yours, dramatic ideas out of the blue of changing the world, making big life’s decisions and plans all of a sudden without a decent, thought out, careful plan. Maybe you’re just moody? So much stuff!

I was inspired to touch on the subject of manic relapse this morning at 5:30 a.m. as I am unable to sleep. I feel no need for it. In fact, I went to bed at 11 p.m. and got back up, staying awake until 1 p.m. and I woke up three hours later, wide eyed, and full of energy as if I had had a great and fulfilling, good night’s sleep! Last night, while on the phone with my mother, I felt that somehow I had ‘picked up speed’ in our conversation. I dominated it, and she could barely get a word in! At bedtime I just thought my messed up stomach from having a pizza buffet yesterday was going to keep me awake, and it really did bother me for a bit, but man, I was just not sleepy! That was after taking 2mg of a very strong sleeping agent prescribed by my psychiatrist! My mind was racing, and in noticing that key point, I knew something was wrong. So…I am trying to pin point what has led to this hypo-manic-like experience.

For the last 2 weeks I have been exercising on the treadmill for 30 minutes in the late evenings, only a few hours before bed. Perhaps this is pumping me up too much for sleep? Revving up my metabolism and everything else? Not sure.
Then there’s the fact that I have been really, really, majorly stressing over a big issue in my life involving a loved one as of late. In dwelling upon the matter at hand, I have been very much emotionally torn as to what road to take, avenue to choose, and just how it would affect our lives. There were words. We had words. So much stress. Oh yeah, I left that out! Stress can induce mania as well! I know this for a fact from previous life experiences! Napping a lot during the day could very well be likely attributing to my insomnia which would lead to a lack of need for sleep at night, and possibly cause a hypo-mania after a certain point.
I thought I had another factor or two, but then again this situation is causing me to have difficulty with memory as well…

So, in noticing all of this, and being very much experienced in managing this disorder that I have lived with for a decade now as of this March, I am going to do the right thing in prevention. I’m taking the initiative to very closely monitor my sleep, thought activity, and the speed that I run on in life/whether I am overly excited. I am going to zone in on it all. In narrowing down the causes, I will pinpoint the culprit(s). I am also going to put forth a very strong effort to get a good night’s sleep, exercise much earlier in the day, and manage my stress levels in a healthy way, and as this relationship has already begun to mend itself, the stress level should decrease tremendously. Its just a matter of time.

Finally, I encourage you to make an appointment to see your doctor if you notice significant changes in your mood, thinking, and behavior, or perhaps someone who knows you well such as family member, friend, or spouse/significant other has some great insight into the situation as well. Don’t worry, friends. I will practice what I preach. If my attempts to counter the events that occurred yesterday, yesterday alone, are unsuccessful and I am unable to produce a much needed healthy and positive outcome, I will most definitely make an appointment to see my psychiatrist, and perhaps therapist as well. Its better to be safe than let this escalate. Mania means losing control of your mind and body. This means you could very well lose it all. Your relationships, for instance. Things said and done during a manic episode are out of your control and the other person(s) involved may not be able to understand or forgive later. This is why I am so careful. I know what its like to be completely out of my mind and out of touch with reality. I mean I was hospitalized 5 times at a mental health facility all in one year after first being diagnosed! I never want to go there again. I have come to far.

I know that I am most definitely not blowing this out of proportion or anything. Your mental health, clarity, and state of mind are delicate, and having Bipolar disorder means you must do your part. So, that being said, lets take care of ourselves and encourage one another. If you need anything I am here. Just drop me a line 🙂
God bless you, and I hope you have a wonderful day!!!


*Image courtesy, Google images.