Tag Archives: childhood memories

My Favorite Song Ever…

Growing up, when I first heard this song in the eighth grade, in 1998 it spoke to my SOUL…in such a great way. Praise The LORD God ALMIGHTY! God knew why that song meant so much to me then.

Now, thanks to the moving of The Holy Spirit and His revealing of things, I understand why this song always resonated with me so well. More to come on that in the future as The Lord leads…Lord willing. I pray this blesses you..and the little girl in some of us..Amen.

Close My Eyes
By   Mariah Carey

I was wayward child
With the weight of the world
That I held deep inside
Life was a winding road
And I learned many things
Little ones shouldn’t know

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time’s rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon

Funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the madness
And block it away
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
And I try to forget

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time’s rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon

Nearing the edge
Oblivious I almost
Fell right over
A part of me
Will never be quite able
To feel stable
That woman-child falling inside
Was on the verge of fading
Thankfully I
Woke up in time

Guardian angel I
Sail away on an ocean
With you by my side
Orange clouds roll by
They burn into your image
And you’re still alive

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raise my head to the sky
And though time rolls by
Still feel like a child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon

Up Until Now.

I miss picking the roses made of icing off of my childhood birthday cakes. It was so pleasurable and exciting! Such a simple thing it is that still yet sticks out in my mind. Birthdays were so special like that one, when my dad got me my first bike for turning 5 (training wheels of course), and mom decorated and made things extra special. My sister was there because it occurred before her early marriage which led to her leaving home (we are 13 years apart). All of the family was there, including my first best friends-a couple of my cousins who were around the same age. What an amazing memory…

I miss the tree swing my daddy made for me out of board and rope on one of the huge, very tall and round trees in our front yard. He always wanted to go the extra mile to make his girls happy-and he did. I always had a dog, all through childhood. He loved animals and shared that with me. Some of my best memories were the quiet moments on the back porch when I would cry my tears into the long, brown hair of my Collie, Champ. He understood. I’ve always had a thing for animals. We just click.  Ahh…another awesome memory. Thank the Lord above for the love that was felt in the house that built me as Miranda Lambert would say.

Now that I’m a grown woman, nearing 30, things are so different. Times aren’t as slow, living is fast. Life is flying by me. I’ve lost 3 loved ones in less than 2 years-one of them being a parent. The loss of my dad has had a profound impact on my life, but I am at peace knowing that his suffering is over.

This is the last year in my 20’s! So…I think I have lost 40 something pounds since the beginning of this year, and I’m still going. I have a ways to go to get to the healthy point, but I am so grateful for the results of the change after a 5 year stand still since the beginning of my father’s horrible health ordeal. I have learned so much in this tender decade of my being.

  • I learned what Bipolar disorder is-never heard of it until my diagnosis.
  • I conquered Bulimia at 22.
  • I completed the second half of earned college credits.
  • I worked as a Hostess at a nice restaurant, being so social.
  • I went through a series of bad dates/relationships/poor choices in love, but my BFF “Schrutie” reminded me of my self worth and saved my life from a psycho.
  • schurtie
  • Schrutie and I 🙂
  • I married a man I met online and knew for around 6 months. We are still married today-5 years plus.
  • wed
  • I made a major life decision to have a tubal ligation because of my genetics for Bipolar disorder and how horrific the pregnancy (and LIFE) would be for my baby and me etc…
  • I found myself at my at my all-time heaviest weight.

 

I am doing something about all of this now. I am prepping for 30!

-Amanda-

 

The House That Built Me…Just Like The Song.

“You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can. I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here its like I’m someone else. I thought that maybe I could find myself. If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave. Won’t take nothing but a memory from the house that built me.” –Miranda Lambert

Image

The above photo was taken today on the road to my old hometown on the Mountain Parkway in eastern Kentucky. Lots of Blake and Miranda one the way home, mixed in with some Florida Georgia Line, lol.

I took momma home today from where my husband and I live around 3 hours north west of here. I miss the country life. Lemonade on a front porch (not near as many front porches where I currently reside),  the beauty of the God’s mountains that I took for granted for the majority of my life, and most of all my folks and other family here. I think this is where I want to remain.

“Every last one, route one, rural heart’s got a story to tell
Every grandma, in law, ex girlfriend
Maybe knows you just a little too well
Whether you’re late for church or you’re stuck in jail
Hey words gonna get around
Everybody dies famous in a small town!” -Miranda Lambert

I’ve lived in the city for nearly 2 years now and I am more than ready to come home. I feel these lyrics in my veins. Man, oh man am I ever so glad to be here in the mountains, my home. Inside my parents’ home, and my childhood home. This is the house that built me-so many memories and now with so many changes. Thank You Heavenly Father for this life, these precious people who mean so much to me, and above all Your Very Own Son, Jesus, our Savior. Happy Easter weekend everyone!

God bless!

Amanda

My Life. The Many Roles We Play.

My Life. The Many Roles We Play.

I was a happy 4 year old little girl in the first photo on the left. I loved to sing and would sing Church hymns for my family at gatherings, I even had a harmonica and tried to play the blues. I was fearless, and pretended to smoke cigars with my daddy in his old, red Ford truck on the country roads of eastern Kentucky. I enjoyed riding the tractor with daddy and my momma’s soup beans and cornbread at the coffee table in the living room with some Nickelodeon on. Life was good.

The older I got, the more complicated things became. Once I was a teenager, things weren’t always as happy go lucky for me. I began to lose myself in comparing myself to other girls, and dreaming of guys that were taken at my school. In my mind I wasn’t that pretty, never lucky in love, and not ‘popular’ so to me I did not count. It did not matter that I was the field commander over the high school marching band for 3 years, nor that I graduated with awards and honors from high school. I developed Bulimia at age 16. I was accepted to multiple colleges and universities and had many options. In the end I wound up choosing the one in my very own hometown. It was so ironic because I always dreamed of leaving that tiny town, and even applied to NYU in New York which seemed pretty ‘far out’ to my family and a few friends.

The third pic is a more current me. I am no longer a teenager, a 17 year old girl. I am a woman with the scars of experiencing life. I’ve traveled a path far rockier than I had anticipated at a young age. Having survived many manias and deep depressions, conquering Bulimia and finding recovery, I am an entirely different person than I would have become had I not come upon these stumbling blocks. If I could do it over, I would change the Bipolar part. I would not wish this disorder on any human being.

I am the far opposite of where I planned myself to be in my hopeful senior book of memories. I was to become a Psychiatrist with a private practice, very nice home, pretty well off, and have more than just a couple of kids with my future husband. I always dreamed of having children. I wanted a house full of tiny feet, laughter and cartoons. In case you haven’t read some of my other posts about my situation with motherhood, I have had a tubal ligation and am unable to have kids. I made this huge, life changing decision for more than a couple of reasons… However, all things are according to God’s will, and I am better off now more than ever! 🙂

Finally, far right pic, I am now a wife! All of those teen years, many tear-filled, sleepless nights with a pain of a broken heart, and more than a couple of frogs on the way have brought me to my now life mate, soul mate, and the one who completes me. As you may have read, we’ve had our ups and downs. Sometimes things get ugly, sometimes there are fireworks. I am truly blessed to be able to experience love in this form.

I am really happy where I am now.

I know no matter where this unpredictable, winding road of life may take me, I am prepared now. I am ready, and I thank our God above for blessing me with these near 29 years.

Amen!

Amanda