She’s ‘lucky’

“She’s so Lucky, She’s a star, But she cry cry cries in her lonely heart, Thinking, if there’s nothing missing in my life, Then why do these tears come at night?” -‘Lucky’ by Britney Spears.
—I used to subscribe to the YM magazine for young women, and this is a photo taken of Britney Spears from the September 2000 issue. It has taken me a while to find it! She did a photo shoot in diamonds that year, and this particular image was sort of a poster sewn into the middle of the magazine…and I had this poster put on the little bulletin board in my bedroom…It was a measuring tool of comparison. This poster was my standard of beauty. This was all there was, and all there could be as far as physical perfection. No one knew…this was just part of it all. Long story… Long story made short…I am now an advocate for young women appreciating their bodies and loving themselves the way there are made by God above. The media (as we all know by now) really distorts reality and can mess with young minds, any mind-especially at the age when we are finding out who we are. Photoshop does exist, and it is very much used in images like this one! I am just glad I found this image for an upcoming blog I am writing…
You cannot diet yourself into perfection. I tried and almost came out in the negative! I mean…you can only lose so much…but its never enough when you think losing the weight is the answer. In retrospect, it wasn’t the weight…it was the ignorance of those I sought to please.Image

Added notes on my Eating Disordered Mind struggles

 

“I am stronger than before…I am no longer at war…

I shine, I smile, and I am better than before.”

-me

Any of you have any tats? I have zero, but this one I found online and it really speaks to me. It totally symbolizes the bulk of my life.

Image I am going to get this tattoo, well one similar to it, despite what my mother and husband think. I am someday going to be liberated from all of this, like a bird no longer caged.

 

Ever look in the mirror in the morning and think, ‘Oh my God, what am I going to do with all of this?’

I have. It sucks…BUT–I am very much aware of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Its something I have dealt with my entire life…

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is defined by DSM-IV-TR as a condition marked by excessive pre-occupation with an imaginary or minor defect in a facial feature or localized part of the body. The diagnostic criteria specify that the condition must be sufficiently severe to cause a decline in the patient’s social, occupational, or educational functioning. The most common cause of this decline is the time lost in obsessing about the “defect.”

That combined with Bulimia and Bipolar disorder, you think I’d be taken down by now! haha…

But I am hopeful, as I have always been.

 

Image I never went that far <——Never actually removed the mirror from the wall…

However, I used to cover up my mirror 3/4 the way to hide my body. Drastic, eh? Well, it helped a lot. It aided in my recovery. Though I am ‘recovered’ and no longer truly binge or purge at all, I still struggle with the thoughts in my head; the chaos and the war inside of me…

 

 

My Eating Disorder has made me a Caged Bird

When my life feels like its falling apart from a 3 of my 4 corners, I try and reevaluate my situation. I do not feel ‘ready’ to face my current weight. I do not like looking in the mirror. I only take pictures at particular angles.  Photographs are simple reminders of how I am not working toward my goal, or walking forward with my eyes looking straight ahead. Even though I AM IN FACT responsible for what I eat, I am heavily influenced to be heavier by pure human emotion, the influence of events that have taken place in my life, my current life stance, and the metabolic shutdown of medicine. I catch my breath at the thought of some of these things that bother me: These reasons why my life is in conflict.

I just do not feel that I can do it again. I do not think that i can lose five pounds, let alone what I should be losing! I now realize what I have read in the past. I must change my mind to change my reality.  I don’t think I can change. Maybe If I convince myself that I can, and add in a decent amount of physical activity daily, begin using my positive, life changing coping skills/tools (like affirmations, books by my favorite non fiction authors, and actually giving myself credit for small changes.)  Anything I do to enhance my life, anything I do for the better, anything I leave out that is negative, I need to be praised for!!!

Praise yourself for the good things, no matter how small. Try to notice them!

I am at my all-time heaviest. I quickly put on several pounds as I watched my dad lose his legs and see dementia set in on him. Its awful what Diabetes can do, and I am running from it! Its pretty prevalent in my family, so I am genetically made for it, and my ultra sedentary life style is not helping…at all.  I am wearing my pain. Every year since 2007 I have gained and gained. By the end of 2008 my dad had lost both legs, and I’d nearly lost my mind. My worst weight-nightmare has become a reality and I have been comfortably living with it for years now. I do not want to continue life this way. I am not suicidal or even depressed, I am just distraught.  Its like my pain is the tank glass and I am the helpless pet frog. I cannot possibly get out of the situation. My mind is this box, and I am dying to get unwrapped. How is this going to happen?
Well, unfortunately I have to be the one to take action! I dug myself this far in so getting that far out is going to take some time and patience is not a virtue of mine!

Tonight’s post is not as positive as I usually am. Sometimes you just have to feel, you know? I am sitting here in all my grief, annoyed. Apparently I have not truly ‘felt’ my pain enough because I keep letting the food numb my mind and comfort my insides. They say you need to feel to heal, maybe this is why I am not depressed? I swallow my pain. My pain is alive inside of me.

I have some serious dental issues because of all of the purging I did in my latter teens. Bulimia is no joke, and definitely not for the faint of heart. I just wanted to be accepted, feeling so rejected and out of place by people that did not even matter in the book of my life, I let them in and I took their opinions and I made them my truth. Because I did this, I have lived with this truth for years, and years is too long. Honestly, I think their truth is still sort of hanging out in the back of my mind, somewhere near all of my fears and insecurities. I developed Bulimia at 16. I am now 28. That is 12 years of life. I am still young, but my true youth is gone, and I am grown now. Like the rest of you I have been pruned like a tree, prepared for the next season in life.

Basically tonight I feel like a caged bird. I am stuck. There’s a world outside and I am just dying to get out!

Man, I should have just used this as part of a book because I can go on about it forever…

Tonight’s Life Altering Tip: DO NOT LET THE OPINION OF OTHERS BECOME YOUR TRUTH!!!

Life’s Kind of Ever After..

Sometimes I think how strange it is that when a boy once said to me “I’m sorry, I’m seein’ someone else” it was actually one of the best things that has happened to me. I lost my sociopath of a boyfriend at 16…to the next girl and the next that would give him what he wanted. Thanks to losing him, which I thought would kill me that night, I am now a happily married woman 12 years later! Its amazing how we wind up someplace we’d never imagined, and things do not always work the way they do in fairy tales. Personally, I think that’s one of the things wrong with this world. We raise up our little daughters/maybe sons, teaching them that ‘one day their prince will come’ and they will fall in love, get married, have children, and live happily ever after in a beautiful castle and ride off into the sunset on a white horse. Well….this is not Cinderella and there doesn’t have to be a “feet-sweeper-off-er” to carry anyone away so that his or her dreams may be fulfilled!  We can do it alone. Happiness lies within.  But, yeah. I suppose sometimes the most difficult things that happen to us are simply gateways to the biggest and brightest days ahead! Sometimes losing something is just a way to gain something new!

Some moments are life changing. That moment you realize you bounced your bank account, for instance. Having this happen could possibly affect a very close relationship with a parent, spouse, or partner-if you have one to answer to. Heh. Anything can cause everything! Other life changing moments like having a baby, buying a house, receiving a promotion, or losing a baby, a job, or being evicted can really shake up a person’s world. However, I believe and I know that God can bring something good about from anything bad. So, you see, though some of the events I listed were drastic in a negative way and quite painful, there is still hope, and opportunity and chance still lie ahead! There may be many other blessings in the future just waiting to be lived out! Like so many people say, when one door closes another opens.

The day I said “I do” will never be forgotten. That was a very life changing event. As a married couple over the course of our near 5 years we are still learning more and more about each other with new experiences, and exciting discoveries.. He is truly Heaven sent. Yes, I am one of those ‘Everything happens for a reason’ peoples.  In reference to what I mentioned about my love gone bad earlier, because of my loss and very painful experience, I grew to be a strong woman, molded by God to be a wife…a part of who I really am.

jernemo

In my opinion, it is in our years of developing adolescence that we suffer when unnecessary. Then again, what might be called the unnecessary is quite necessary in the early growth of becoming an adult. The heartache, teenage love gone sour, self-consciousness of our changing bodies, and overall uncertainty about the world around us, all contributed to our becoming. We had to put our foot in the water, and some of us jumped in head first. No matter how you look at it, growing in any sense requires some uncomfortable moments and life’s experiences.

Man, I am sleepy! Too tired to edit if need be. God bless, catch you all later!

I’m Rockin’ Out!!!

So…yeah. I’ve been cleaning house and rockin’ out to “Your Body” by Christina Aguilera. Man, I have had that song on repeat for like two hours now. Makes for some great dancing with the washing machine and a love affair with the dishes… Towels are folded and put away, clothing is hang drying, and I am about to hang dry some more.  Going to change things around here decor wise as well. I am going to try and shed a few pounds and get into better-shape because the husband and I are interested in taking dancing lessons! Dancing is a wonderful way to shake off any negative energies and dive into a whole new world of fun and self expression! It will be a while before I post any dance shows as I have just given birth to the thought…haha!

Anyways, I hope this blog will find you in good spirits tonight! I have been trying to figure out what my true passion in life is. I love to sing, but I need practice. It doesn’t just flow… so, I am thinking of buying a few karaoke games for XBOX if they have those…oh, that’s right! Karaoke Revolution! I will read up on it. I like singing for fun or if I feel it… I may get back into poetry and lyrics.  This could be random as its getting late.

Do you like to ‘rock out’ to music when you tidy up? Music pumps me up when I need to get something done, adding a little energy boost for help in doing household chores and not just dancing. Ahhhhhh! I love to dance. Okay, I’m being repetitive now. IF you’ve read that prior.  Dancing is more fun when you are alone and have the entire house to yourself. You can turn it into a full all out rock concert with your hairbrush (or phone or something) and your PJ’s!!!

I have been giving it a lot of thought, and in my 28 years I have learned that a dog is truly your best friend.  In my opinion, a dog is the closest unconditional love we have to God’s. Maybe that is why God backwards is Dog?? Ohhh! I don’t know. Just throwing that out there. I am not a believer in coincidences overall. 🙂 I am not saying that a dog is anywhere near being close to God in my eyes.

My two dogs, Bella and Lou Lou keep me grounded when I am stressed. They warm my heart with all of their affection and selfless love. Here is a pic I took last night with Bella on the left and Lou Lou on the right. I think its a pretty great pic. 🙂

Bella & Lou Lou
Bella & Lou Lou

I also took this one of Bella. She looks like she is talking.

bellamouth!
Dogs are most definitely my favorite animal.

Bella & I IMG_1354[1]

Anyways, I had planned to blog a lot more on a couple different topics, being more organized, but due to the ongoing noise my husband is making across the room on his computer, I have lost my momentum. We have him to blame! 🙂

I will catch you all later. Have a great night!

*Blessings*

Getting Your ZZZ’s? Random Rambles from a Silly Girl.

*Yawn*

Warning: This post is random and unorganized! (Not that I am all of the time).
I always feel downright awful when I stay awake most the night, but I cannot sleep right now for the life of me! I was all ready for bed an hour ago when my husband and I finished an episode of Star Trek Voyager on Netflix. Now I am wide awake like Katy Perry! By the way my all time favorite song is called “Close My Eyes” by Mariah Carey. Its not that I am a major Mariah fan or anything. She’s so talented and all, don’t get me wrong. Its the lyrics though…this song Close My Eyes is like my life’s anthem.

Verse 2
“Funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the madness
And block it away
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
And I try to forget, As I Close My Eyes… This song speaks volumes to me personally, and is indeed a song that I truly cherish and hold dear for personal reasons.

I’ll take Music for $200, Alex. Haha! Music it is.

My second fave song in the world is Turn Off The Light by Nelly Furtado…

“I’m searching for things that I just cannot see
Why don’t you don’t you don’t you come and be with me
I pretend to be cool with me, want to believe
That I can do it on my own without my heart on my sleeve
I’m running, I’m running, catch up with me life
Where is the love that I’m looking to find
It’s all in me, can’t you see, I can see, why can’t you see it’s all in me”

This song is also a very important song to me. Every song can have many meanings and interpretations for everyone in different ways. For me this song represents a period of transition in my late adolescence as I was going through some rough stuff.. Music is still my outlet.

I sing. I am not so sure how well though. However, I have heard some rough recordings of myself using an I-Phone karaoke app! 😛 Scary. BUT. I am one that truly believes you should sing your heart out if you feel it. You got something on your mind and its eating at you? Belt some blues. Rap. Dance! Dancing is fun too. I know I can dance even though I never auditioned for the dance team. I always went to all the dances in high school because I loved to dance, and get dolled up. Not because I was in love with my high school sweetheart like I thought 95% of my class to be.  Its amazing the things you learn growing up, eh?

So I bounced from insomnia to music and dance to teenage love gone bad? Racing thoughts, maybe. Or just thoughts out of order and out of place. I have to say that I am most inspired at night and I am sort of sure why. After each day is done and I unwind, my mind unravels…like sheet music with beautiful segues. 😀

I like poetry. Not to brag, but I was quite the sonnet-spout in high school.  I would very much love to get into poetry once again. I feel that I am going to have to dig a little deeper right now to pull out some good stuff.  But then again, aren’t so many of us writer-folk filled with emotion and inspiration during our troubled, developing, hormone crazed years? Things are going pretty great for me right now and my poetry flows at best during my darkest times.

Oh yeah, 3rd fave song ever: Wide Awake by Katy Perry! Have you noticed that all three of my all time fave songs seem to have something to do with going to bed? Ha Ha!!! I’m a former psych major and I still can’t figure that out…joking. But I really do have a college background in psychology. I began a Spanish minor when I left. Why did I leave college? Long story… Don’t want to turn this blog into Cry If It Helps (My more personal blog) But. I will say this: I grew to be a far more strong lady along my journey, and am quite happy where I wound up.

Happiness…ah. One of my favorite things. You know, once I was watching one of Oprah’s shows (from way before she called it quits with daytime), and this professional therapist or pro something man was talking about the quality of life that we have as human beings and the top five things that truly determine our happiness. Number 1 on the list still echos in my mind. It was where a person lives. I am sure the other 4 were profound as well. Don’t get mad at me for not remembering all 5! 😛 Its just something that popped up in my mind.

Daytime T.V.

Man, I don’t know about you, but I totally dig the Ellen show!!!  I love all of her fun games she comes up with, the way she startles people with someone dressed up and creeping up behind the person! The way she begins each show with dancing time rocks my socks!!! She always ends each show with the phrase ‘Be kind to one another’.  I love that. Life is truly about how we treat one another and all living things. Its our humanity. There I go jumping in the deep end again…

Want to get shallow? How about the media’s strong influence on today’s world! Especially our youth! Okay. None of that. Its like almost 2 A.M. here. It could come as a surprise, but I have a lot of positive things to say, post, and share about that later! I am a self-esteem advocate, animal rights activist, and pro LIFE person. Please remember I still respect all of your views. We are all different. But its like M&M’s. People are so much more interesting when combined and thrown all together. All of the different colors and the power of number!

Now I am hungry. Grrr. Must have self-control.

Okay. I think my pillow is finally calling my name again.

No.

I won’t lie to you. I am probably going to go play Candy Crush or clean up the kitchen… yeah.

And I'll never be the same