I know that comparing myself to beautiful pop stars in the music industry when I was 16, like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera was completely unhealthy. I thought losing weight was the answer to EVERYTHING! If someone hurt me, rejected me, or if the pain was too bad, I would engage in harmful eating disorder behaviors and watch my weight drop on the scale-but you know, it never dropped low enough. Its NEVER good enough when you are in such a state of mind!
I didn’t get it. I was not good enough for my crush as a plus sized young woman, so I figured if I lost the weight to look like my best friend he would notice me, or want to be MY boyfriend. To my surprise, even after losing 70lbs or more and getting into a small single digit, I still was rejected, and my friend STILL dominated his attention. I was totally convinced that it was ME. That something was completely wrong with ME and that I was far from becoming ANYONE’S girlfriend. I lost weight and shrank in size, and tried to tone and did tone up some, but no matter how small I got, I could NEVER replicate Britney Spears’ tummy. There was always something wrong with mine. Plus, a bikini always looked odd on me-even as a skinny girl. Wake up people: Not every body meets the celebrity-ideal-body for skimpy swim wear no matter how thin you are. At least that’s what I came to know. I am not manufactured and commercialized. I am wonderfully and fearfully made by God, The Father. Made anew by the Grace in His Son, Lord Jesus Christ.
I now know (at 30 years old) and have long ago realized that some people or crushes are trying to figure out who they are in this world themselves. It wasn’t that I was unacceptable, flawed and useless. It was my character and the Light in me. It was about what young guys are most interested in. I now know that I am perfect just as I am, made by the Most High God who never makes mistakes. Remember that my friends! Your personal makeup is not a mistake! There is only one you…one exact, unique set of fingerprints….And your own unique gifts whether you have discovered them yet or not.
It would NOT BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU! You are precious to God, and this life is a gift! When you take in your next breath in the next moment, that same time someone in this world, (many) are inhaling their last…And also…I finally had a monumental thought that came upon me in a dark hour. This is a given but not thought of: Those who are critically ill (or on their death bed) do not think about the pounds they lost or did not lose. If we happen to find ourselves in that place, I am most certain we won’t be clutching a mirror and picking at our most self-conscious body areas. We wouldn’t be at war with our reflection anymore then either.
There have been times when I would struggle with my eating disorder plus my Bipolar disorder at the same time, like they ganged up on me at once! I would rip out everything in my closet in a rage of self-hate, ever so displeased with myself and who I had become. It was times like that when all of my academic and extracurricular awards or honors didn’t count for ANYTHING!!! Episodes like that occurred mostly after I had been diagnosed and was in college. For me, It feels good to speak openly about my illness. Now that I’m able to share my story, I pray that It may encourage even but one dear soul before I leave this world at the return of Jesus or when He calls me home.
I developed Bulimia at age 16 and was prescribed medication. I attended therapy regularly, and all of this was hush hush at that time. My psychiatrist then wound up increasing a stimulating anti-depressant to the point where it drove me into my first manic episode at 18 in March of 2004. Bipolar with Bulimia: double whamee!
I have noticed some people online asking others if they would cure their Bipolar if they could. Personally, if I could take it all back I would and hope to somehow meet my best friend and husband another way. All of the pain that I (by the disease) brought upon myself and others, all of the suffering and frightening experiences…memories made that would haunt me still if it weren’t for my Faith. I hope and pray they do find a cure for Bipolar Disorder. In the mean time lets all just take our meds and keep our appointments, lol…
As for the Bulimia, I no longer engage in that sort of activity. Psychologically, I am still working on my self esteem. Life is a process though. A journey as they say.
Jesus makes my life truly significant now. When Jesus is your reason to live, you never have a reason to quit…
I believe we can do it. There is power in numbers so share your story. You don’t have to be as raw or detailed as I am…just pull something out of your soul—write it down or blog it out of your core. Recovery is yours if you want it. I found it 8 years ago at 22 and I am proud that I no longer “act on it”. I am remembering us all in prayer tonight.
Though I don’t know your names or your personal stories, God does.
Lay it at His feet and You’ve got this.