I stand with scars of both my body and my mind, and I am proud to say that God has made me new again. My story is told throughout this blog in various posts, but here’s a summary.
In May of 2015, I’ll be 30 years old. Much like my 19th year, I would say the 29th has been one of the most trying, yet educational years of my young life. Some of the darkest of events have occurred this year, like losing my dad. In the midst of it all, life lessons were slowly revealed. My faith has been cranked up to extra high from a weak stance, and I’ve drawn closer to God. The great things that followed the storms are priceless, and timeless. I’m never going to be the same. For the better.
There has been this great, immeasurable energy dominating my life for so many years. A force so strong, it overpowered my heart’s own desire, and I forgot my first love…the passion I had for God. There was very little room for God in my life with my obsession over the physical appearance, the beauty, vanity in this life. Yes, I am a recovered Bulimic, and still deal with Body Dysmorphia from time to time, but I’m not going to blame all of my woes on those struggles alone. I really believe in seeking help when dealing with such troubles. Therapy/counseling can really help you develop new insights to life. Some of life’s problems need direct attention, and letting them go is hazardous to the very core of our being.
With a discrepancy the length of infinity, I’ve never actually added up. Tremendous anger…rage, envy, comparison, frustration, self-hatred, and eventually self-harm. Countless firey utterings in disgust at my own reflection. The majority of my life I’ve considered myself defect. People were not my friends, better than me, or even against me because I said so in my heart. Oh, how I’ve fought so hard against my body-which has been healthy for the most part of my life. I can never add up the hours spent degrading & slandering my own part in creation. I declared myself a mistake.
That’s not the truth.
Recovery is such an awesome thing, but can drive you nuts, feeling like an uphill battle. It wasn’t until I did away with my insecurities and banished them from my insides that I knew peace. I loved the way I wanted to look more than God. For years, 24/7 around the clock, everything was about not messing up, and getting closer to beautiful. I would go over everything I ate that day, weigh myself, and then over exercise myself to pieces. Anything to get there. I’ve dealt with the fear of rejection or abandonment all of my life because of being a bullied, very heavy child. In all of my failures, the eating disorder was the dictator of my life. I just knew if I lost a little more, and then a little more…that I would be accepted. I would have a normal teenage life, an actual boyfriend who would like me for me.
I grew up a very depressed child and teen, and always confused with what was wrong with me. I felt I was different. Looking back there was so much negativity and bad/sad experiences. It wasn’t until age 18 that my family and I discovered I’d been living my entire young life undiagnosed with Bipolar disorder. This explained much of the negativity as some of it was due to the struggling I did with Bulimia for 7 years.
The numbers kept going down, and nothing changed. Losing all of that weight changed nothing but pant sizes, which doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme. Its all about taking care of your health, getting in shape and staying fit. Why? To live a long, healthy and happy life, avoiding preventable health complications and all that.
I had lived for 18 years with a chemical imbalance that affected my mood every waking moment, which goverened my young life. It was the horrific, strange events and experiences that led to my diagnosis. I was infatuated with a Sergeant of the U.S. Army and wound up running away to Radcliff, KY and Fort Knox to be with him for a few days. I was insane and out of my mind. Parents: Monitor your teens internet activity from time to time, because you just never know…
This was just the beginning.
I began to cut. The scars of self harm remain on my 28 year old body. Even though its all exactly a decade ago now, Its as real as yesterday. I have another woman’s memories and her wounds. Following high school graduation and second semester of freshman year in college were a lot of behaviors, ideas, and friends that were most definitely not mine. I was manic a lot-and when not manic, hypo-manic. I spent that summer and into the spring of 2004 sky high with Bipolar mania.
I broke my mother’s heart and worried my family and betrayed friends, and myself as well.
However, I believe that Jesus Christ is The Son of God and that through Him alone there is Salvation, and also happiness. There’s a peace and joy in Jesus like nothing I’ve ever known.
Now there is so much room in my heart that I’m able to really give myself to God. I am now able to actually ask Him to let me work for Him. To use me up, and help me to shine my light in this world so that He will be glorified. That’s a valuable lesson: It’s about Him, not us. It never was about me…I was made by Him and for Him. I know peace not just because of the recovery, but because of the God who made it happen. I am ever thankful. Life is a gift as they say. We can’t appreciate it with our minds in constant peril.
I realize that I was created in love, by Love, to be Loved and to love! I am worthy, I am worthwhile, and I am carrying out my own personal mission for God while on earth. You are too.
The chains can actually be broken. Do not be deceived as I was for years. Recovery is possible, and there’s a whole other life out there full of happiness and opportunities waiting for you to reach out and take hold.
God sees. He hears you. You are NOT over. Do not give up. He has plans for you, and He loves you more than anyone ever has or ever could. He is Almighty. He is everything. I praise Him in this moment and always for saving my life, and mind so that I may take care of my soul, and live to honor Him. I am so grateful that there is hope in Christ. I see the purpose in my life. Blinded by the fog of all that, I could not see then the beauty life has to offer me now. 🙂
Let your problems be known! Precious one, call out to Jesus tonight. It never has to be a certain time or place to pray. Don’t hesitate, ever. Tomorrow is never promised, so I encourage you to consider becoming a part of God’s family through His Son, Jesus Christ.
There is nothing better you could ever do.
If you ever need someone to talk to, just message me, and I will respond asap.
God bless you always!
The peace I found Is Free… 🙂