What I Found in the Dark.

I spent most of my childhood, teen years, and early twenties hating my body. It was never good enough. The one year that I was able to get into a single digit two-piece swimsuit, I still didn’t look like page 23 in that month’s issue of Seventeen!!!

Discrepancy is defined as… a conflict or variation, as between facts, figures, or claims

The ideal-me I dreamed up, founded on the looks of pop stars and celebrities of my time didn’t ever match up with who I really was, nor does it now…with my current appearance and who I have become. It’s so strange to now actually be okay with who I am. I have a lot of weight to lose. I can definitely relate to Kelly Clarkson right now, currently a plus sized beauty, dealing with public fat shaming. Who are these people to tell us what is beautiful and acceptable? If the fields of the earth were covered in Lilies alone, wouldn’t it be boring? Sunflowers, Daisies, Roses, Marigolds, and all the rest makeup the perfect mix the Lord created!

I didn’t get here on my own. Being above a particular weight was NOT AN OPTION at age 16 for example. Now, I’m relaxed but putting forth the effort to achieve a healthier weight. My eating disorder and body image struggles no longer govern my life. Freedom, peace…I’ve been liberated!

You might ask how?

I sought treatment of course in both private and group therapy with the aid of medication as well. Those were essential and definitely set me on the right course, but…

The keystone element, the stream in my desert that freed me from myself…was God!

In the darkest of days, it was difficult to entertain thoughts of Divine comfort and healing from God and Jesus Christ…but it did happen. Treatment for our greatest struggles in life is such a blessing, but can you imagine how much more powerful, how better an outcome there is…when the Creator of the Universe is behind it all!?!

When I let go and let God in on my treatment, things got better. Not overnight, or even in a few months. Its different for everyone, but when I began actually trying to have a relationship with Him on my end of the line, praying and seeking His Truth…My wounds began to slowly close up-and over time, no more “Band-aids.” Patience. I was restless and ready to move on with my life. So tired of devoting so much time and effort into therapy and learning to love myself. But, you know, it paid off.

Along the road to Recovery, as I walked with God I became enlightened. One night when I had my Bible out I stumbled upon this verse that changed me forever.

Psalm 139:14…

Amen.

God is the Great Physician, the Greatest Artist..a Father to the fatherless, a husband to the husband-less. The Lord God Almighty fills in those holes you and I know all too well. I spent so much time searching for something to complete me, to make me acceptable. I had no clue that It was there all along.

Just thought I’d share this as a little encouragement to everyone tonight. My prayer is that you will step back and consider your worth, your beauty.

God bless always

-Amanda

2 thoughts on “What I Found in the Dark.

  1. And don’t ever forget what your name means…”Worthy of Love.” I know that because i have a niece named Amanda. You are worthy of love, and like you’ve so beautifully said–it’s not dependent on our outward appearance, but on the one who loves us so perfectly. Thanks for this post.

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