Over this month of February, I have begun to really study the Bible. I have been looking through the Word of God concerning prophecy and the times that we are living in today (that’s not what this post is about). With the help of intelligent Bible teachers & like minded fellow Christians, I’m getting deeper into it all, more knowledgeable. I have become very passionate about what I am doing in all research, Biblical study, how history applies to what’s happening now in our world. Whenever I wake up, be from a nap or night’s sleep, I feel this great sense of excitement for another day. Another day to jump back into God’s Word. Into the Truth. Into Prophecy. Into how I should live my life.
My prayer life with God is growing. I can feel some of the doubt that the Enemy has put around me or in my ear, slowly melting away. The more time I spend with The Father, the closer we become. I keep praying to be consumed by Him, for understanding, remembrance, and His help in the application of His Word in my daily life.
I am just living in awe. The Bible has ‘come to life’ for me. There are so many things, parts, & verses that I have never seen. Then I have actually found many of the ones I’ve heard all my life in Church, and of course, highlighted them. My shiny, black Bible is no longer straight, rigid, and looking brand new. Even the outward look of my copy of The Word has been transformed. There are tabs within regarding different subjects. I’m now into highlighting as I mentioned. It is so helpful! Finally, I am actually writing tiny notes or things on the side or in convenient, blank places throughout the Scripture. This is so different…
I want more.
I have more joy tonight than ever. The Bipolar struggles, eating disorder, severe body focused anxiety (with closet phobia/getting dressed), Body Dysmorphic disorder, and the desire to just be accepted…along with Vanity, fueled by Satan himself are fading out. I am not perfect. I am not healed for life. Recovery and happiness must be tended to daily and for as long as we live. My college days were so empty as I tried to find meaning, a feeling of importance & acceptance in my life. Friendships were shady, romances collapsed, and the Bipolar disorder ripped me out of what I had known for 18 years to be my life. In case you haven’t read yet, I was hospitalized 4 times in 2004 for severe Manias.
The beginning of my greatest victory came in the fall of 2012, 8 years later. I wasn’t very serious about it, (and in fact thought it to be funny) but I applied for a job at that same mental hospital . I had wrestled with PTSD from that place for years, and there I was sitting at orientation with a bunch of other former psych majors/graduates. It was so surreal. Of course, things weren’t going as well for me in 2012 as they are now, so I left the same day that I received my key to the Adult Unit. Human Resources pleaded with me to stay, but I left. My self esteem was so low. It was like the latter part of college all over again. Plus, I hadn’t really interacted with society in a long time. So I really jumped in deep!
Regardless of how it all played out, to me I was victorious! I felt I had conquered the place that I feared for so long. The place where the darkest part of my life began. Still yet…the place that saved my life.
It was so crazy. It was like a dream…Technically, I didn’t “work there” as I didn’t stay. But the fact that I nailed both interviews, landed the job, and got hired meant so much to me.
Never sell yourself short. You don’t know what God has planned for you.