I don’t have much to say right now. Perhaps I’ve poured out so much of me lately that I need to sit, and rest…with my empty vase.
The darkest cloud came upon my family and I this summer when my father passed away. Though he was in the ICU for a week, it was still devastating how everything happened so fast. Then, over a month later, mom lost the sight of her left eye to a stroke.
From one breath to another, life shifts. The dynamics of family change over time in our lives, just as with every type of relationship. My family is no longer the same. Though I lost my dad, on a positive note, I have gotten closer with my husband’s family. No one can fill a hole the size of your father. However, having more people to love in your life who really care about you is always awesome. After three months without him here on earth, I am slowly beginning to move on.
Today I returned to the morning walk that truly lifted my depression in a natural way this spring and brought about the fruits of amazing weight loss. God’s sunlight, the use of my legs, and some headphones with the mp3’s are all I need. I check the weather in the morning before I go out to be sure there will be no precipitation in the following few hours. Today was an opportunity not only weather-wise, but God-wise. God gave me this day to live on the earth that He created. To breathe every breath, taking all of life in. That’s what I did.
I made goals last night, and today I checked them off in my notebook. Tomorrow morning I see my new family doctor because of a change in insurance network, so my walking will probably be inside on the treadmill instead of outside, down the street in my little town. I had the choice to walk, or not walk or exercise at all. I chose to try to get back into the world of fitness today. I took a stand for my health and self esteem. I know its not always going to be easy, and I am not strong willed all of the time. I am still going to give it my all because I want to be my best ‘me’ now more than ever. I’ve worn my pain for 7 years now, a river of tears and so many pounds. This is not who I am destined to be.
My current situation does not define me. It does not define who I am. The way I look right now is not me. The body underneath these clothes is the carrier of my soul, which belongs to God. Therefor I will honor God in taking care of my body, His temple. These past few years I have come to really love life for what it is, and not what it has. Diamond rings, and other shiny things are no longer so valuable to me.
I have really been humbled by all of these experiences in my twenties. I am trying harder and I apply myself more, and have prayed more than ever…
In a world of confusion, depression, doubt, and fear, I held onto God. I’ve had periods of great wellness in this time. I have also had very dark ones involving Bipolar mania or hypo-mania. Whether I put myself in those situations knowingly or not, I prayed. I did not read the Bible, at all. I speak the truth. When I did attend Church I heard God’s Word, sang songs of praise, but have never been this open to Him, or surrendering. I know He holds the Universe, so I hold onto Him, and I am going to be okay. I really believe that my prayers and the prayers of others for me are why and how I made it out.
I never stopped talking to God In the name of Jesus, Whose Name is the only one by which we can be saved.
And this peace is free for all who thirst…