It’s going on 2 a.m. here at our place. Sleep has become non-existent over the past few weeks. My cognition is slightly impaired as I took my P.M. meds over an hour ago, including my sleeping pill and Xanax (both prescribed btw). Now I’m sitting here because I am still too restless to go to bed. It’s like I just do not want to rest. I’m sittin’ here with my Sarah McLachlan playlist going strong. My personal favorite for the time being, Sweet Surrender.
The death of my father and the new blindness in my mother’s left eye this summer have just now really hit me. My mood isn’t quite exactly stable now, following these horrible circumstances and how I am handling the pain. It’s so difficult to choose between the matters of doing right, using coping mechanisms as recommended in therapy to handle the grief, verses just self-medicating with particular beverages and other out-of-character things.
This life is short. According to my Christian faith and all I’ve ever known, what matters the most is being ready to face judgement, the determination of where we as individuals will spend eternity. What matters most is the work we do out of love for our fellow man to help everyone, treating them all with the greatest amount of kindness, love, and consideration in the most humble manner. We must forgive even the cruelest of hearts in order to be forgiven ourselves by our God. God is love. I need God right now. My prayers have decreased in number lately, but I’m hanging on to my faith.
I’ve given my mother such a hard time by talking and acting in manners that make her worry so much about me and my well being. She was right there with me from that day I was diagnosed in that office to every hospitalization (every set of visiting hours with quarters for calls home and flowers to bring cheer), countless therapy trips, successes, failures, and getting back up. My mother knows how far I’ve come. She loves me more than anyone else in the human form. I cannot let her down anymore by consuming foods and beverages containing Caffeine that cancels the manic-relapse power of my medication. Things are very difficult right now, and in my engaging in anti-complying activity is just going to send me back down…
That being said, I am getting back up. I’m tossing the rest of this can of Caffeinated soda pop into the trash.
It’s hard being a Christian in a world like the one we live in today for anyone. I think its especially hard for people with any type of disability. I know that for me, personally, I am not a very reliable person at times which makes it hard to keep a great attendance on Sunday’s for obeying the Word. I would love to be a Sunday school teacher someday, but right now I seem to change my mind a lot based on how I feel. After all, I have a mood disorder. Some days the Bipolar has more pull than on other days. Sometimes it feels like I am in the middle, torn between the opinions, values, and deepest desires of two very different beings. Mood disorders can be so exhausting.
I recall a quote my sister reminded me of the other day that I said when I was around age 6 and had just lost one of my front teeth and also been prescribed glasses.
I said to her, “Sis, I may be missing one of my front teeth and I have to wear glasses now, but I’m still the same Mandy inside.”
Thinking back on that line (which I do not remember) a moment of sadness overcomes me. Emotion. I guess its just touching. The wisdom of a child.
I may be managing life with Bipolar disorder and the scars that remain, but I’m still that same Mandy inside.
Don’t forget who you are.