Coming Up 4 Air

I’m letting go of all that philosophical stuff tonight. I don’t have my floaties of optimism around my arms tonight to keep me afloat in this deep water I’ve been treading all day. I’m real tonight, like a woman without make up. I ain’t afraid of any imperfections and flaws that will show here. Freckles, my brand new 29 year old laugh lines and all, I’m not hiding. I could conceal these flaws, I could lay a new foundation to hide behind, I could blush it up to make my cheeks rosier so that I appear happier. I could also lay down a shadow on my eyelids. A shadow of distraction, or perhaps expression. Maybe my makeup tells you something that my mouth cannot. Maybe I become fearless when I get dolled up. Maybe I become someone else. Finally, I apply color to my pale, pink lips. Natural to blend in with the rest of you, or if I’m all fired up, maybe I’ll apply some fire-engine red and make that statement, “I am woman, hear me roar!”

I have a lot on my Bipolarized mind right now tonight. In the quiet, alone in my office, aside from the company of 2 Chihuahuas in the corner, cuddled up in a plush, blue blanket, and my Parakeet Rocky on the top, right-handed shelf of my desk, I sit, in this dim-lit room. In reflection, I know I could have handled things better today. Today makes 11 days that I have been back on the Caffeine wagon since dad passed away. I turn to the stimulant when I am bored, frustrated, looking for a pick me up, I’m desiring that exciting energy, or even out of frustration and anger. Whatever the reason, It has truly been proven that Caffeine for me is bad news, all around. Knowing this, why do I go back? Why do we all go back to our addictions and troubles? Why does the Alcoholic or Drug addict go back? I dealt with Bulimia for years, and I went back and back. This time its my brain, moods, and behavior that are being affected because of my Bipolar disorder. I want to let it go. I am sick of this.

I went to bed around 15 minutes or so ago, and my husband was lying there and I told him goodnight and he said nothing back. So after a few moments, I just got up and came in here to write it all out. To purge my soul of my troubles. My personal struggle to find my place in this world, and true happiness on an individual level is wearing him out. All of the negativity as of late is annoying him, and the fact that he has a lot of other drama of his own on the plate of his life does not help.

I want intimacy. I want to sleep under the same blanket at night. Yes, we both have our own… I’m not asking for a fiery passion like the one we knew years back…just something special. I’m not even 30, and he’s only 34. Sometimes I feel like his roommate-mostly during times like these where there is so much negativity going around in my head. He’s a great friend. No, I have no plans of leaving. I am so over all of that crap.

My dad is gone. He is free, and a huge part of worry is gone as well. Now I am more able to give more of myself to other people, and to be able to explore the options that life has to offer me. I grew up attending very well-to-do schools, and into college. Because of this, I was molded to believe that anything is possible, that I am here to make my mark on man kind, that there’s not just jobs out there…there are careers, and that I am made for career. I’m set to be a professional because of my amazing GPA and achievements of my youth. However, the older I get, and after having gone through all I have these past ten years, I am beginning to see things in a different light.

Perhaps all of that is still true, its just that my path has changed. There have been a few forks in the road, and many, many changes, and much of them unexpected. All that I’ve lived through, and discovered in life lessons has changed me. I am not the 18 year old girl that set out to acquire a BA degree in Psychology. Now I am not sure what I am doing or where I am headed. These past 2 weeks I’ve begun my day with a strong morning prayer, opening all of the blinds in this house to let the light in while thanking God Almighty for the day and all. Then I turn around, and it isn’t more than half an hour later that I’m headed out to get some Chocolate and a Caffeinated beverage like Iced Starbucks Coffee or Mountain Dew. Its like I believe that in consuming these things will look up, when actually they destroy. We all have our unique allergies and stuff.

Its not easy living with a mood disorder, and many other disorders for that matter, but when I make it worse, its a conscious decision that is my fault.

This is such a long post, but the pain inside of me is very big tonight. I need to purge my soul of this monster inside of me.

I’m coming up for air…

<Amanda>

 

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