Can’t Sleep. Life Evaluation.

Its nearly 1 a.m. and I cannot sleep. I have this weird feeling like I need to throw up, sneeze, and cry all at the same time! Not sure why…

Then again, I was thinking about the last time I spoke with my dad before his passing a while ago. My sleep aid is only working half its strength because of my large Caffeine consumption these past two days. I have been a bad girl. Its like I set goals and then freaked out and ran over them all, ahh! šŸ˜›

My stomach hurts because of the timing of my dinner and when I took my p.m. meds. I am most definitely getting back on track tomorrow.

Its like I’ve just had far too many deep, deep thoughts about life, how short it is, what things mean to me, and God and Heaven. The Plan for Salvation. This world is getting crazier all of the time, religion or no. Violence is rampant. War is breaking out here and there, now and then. Things aren’t always viral, and widespread. Regardless, the turmoil is real. I feel that these are the latter days. The world is becoming so unfit for children now. Celebrities are baring more and more on the red carpet, like Rhianna’s little sheer get up that was on Yahoo.com which I would have otherwise never seen. Pretty soon there will be no need for nude beaches, or so it seems.

I don’t mean to be negative-just realistic tonight in the quiet.

I’ve noticed that I have been dwelling on my future a lot lately, especially the one on earth-the rest of my human existence. Wondering if I will ever get that job, that degree, make a difference? Just how prosperous is my stay on this planet going to be?

I think the answer is not in the form of paper pay-off. I know that the fruits or prosperity of my life here are the good deeds I take with me when I pass on. People will remember me by the greatness of the legacy of how I lived my life, and how I treated them. Not for my mansion, new car, record deal, or business. More importantly, God, Himself, will recognize me by my actions in this life. It is so hard to realize how short this life is compared to an eternity. I respect all people, but I don’t think I could go on without my faith in God through Christ, and the Gift of the Holy Spirit that I received upon baptism. I have faced a lot of pain because of undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues in my young life. Much happened that could have been prevented had we known. I know everything happens for a reason. The symptoms that really began to show after graduating high school at age 19 led to the office which led to the Diagnosis. A successful honor roll, straight A student, member of the National Honor Society, Drum Major of the marching band and so on and so on… I was destined for success and major achievements. Not necessarily so predictable. We aren’t all the same.

Finally, after all these years, it just dawned on me. Not everyone has to have a job or a 9 to 5, kids, and a stereotypical American-Dream-Type-Life to be natural and to be real! The many, many attempts I’ve made to change myself, alter the path of my life, going against the grain of God’s plan, and what would come in Divine time, were an uphill battle without resolution. My purpose in life just happens to be nothing like what I set out for it to be 11 years ago is all. Its not about a PhD, creating treatment plans, lectures, or even a private practice. I have come to terms with the fact that I am not a psychologist. I am a former psychology major whose path changed direction.

I am not going to settle for some type of technical training and the student loan debt that comes along with it just to have a job in this world (so I can feel normal). That is completely fine and great if that works for you though. I just know now, after fighting it for years, that my calling lies outside the school building and typical workplace. I am not sure what the future holds, but I know God holds the future. I have no idea where I will be financially etc.. in 5 years or what not. What I do know is that my marriage is stable, and Fireproof (see the movie). I found my soul mate and have known true love now for over 5 years. The other 2 certainties in my life are: I will always give my all to take care of my family, for us to remain a strong unit. Secondly, I will always have a family, even if I lose all flesh and blood, because of Jesus. The welcoming and loving embrace of a brother or sister in Christ can really heal a broken heart and bring comfort in the darkest of times.

I love writing. I love blogging-doing this. WordPress is very powerful as with it we have the world at our fingertips and can reach so, so many people in so many different places. It is truly a blessing for me. A release, a catharsis.

I am okay where I am now. We all are. We don’t have to be particular somebodies. We must take what we have and try hardest to give the world the best we have to offer. I believe you can make just as great of a difference in this world without a PhD as with one. Its all in how we carry ourselves.

Number one! Love. Share it-for in doing so you will never have too much!

Part of love is to Forgive. You will be set free and get the most out of life. Resentment is poison to the soul.

In a loving manner, with a cheerful heart, reach out to help others, lift them up. We are all brought down enough by the news, the media, and our own self doubt.

Love is the true currency of life, of wealth! I would say that about Judgement Day as well. We will leave this world with as rich of a reward as the love we held in our hearts and shared.

I am working on myself. We are all works in progress, and its not over until that last breath.

Goodnight everyone, and God bless šŸ™‚

-Amanda

 

 

 

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