Finding My Place…

My dad said I could be anything I wanted to be before he became very, very ill. I believed it, and I still do.

The problem here is…what?

I am an artistic person who loves music, art, dancing, poetry/lyrics/writing and stuff. I am currently unemployed and looking. Not just for a job-I want fulfillment. I believe we can all find it if we seek hard enough. I need to find a new way to make a living and get over the 5 year slump I’ve been in. I grew up accustomed to having nice things, and now that I am where I am, things are way different. I think I am finally ready to move on and leave this unemployed life behind me-just not today. I need to go slow and take my time. I mean, we just buried my dad the other day. This is a trying time. I find myself restless without an outlet. The joy, patience and eagerness that I had before he passed to play my new guitar is sort of dead for now. All of my passions are blurred. I want to do something, but I am at a stand still. Its kind of like something blew up and now I do not know what to do or where I left off. Picking up pieces and moving on ain’t easy, no matter what the occasion.

I’ve been going around starting projects around the house and then just leaving them. For example, I began to do the dishes, and now there’s just a bunch of cups/glasses in the sink, bubbles fizzling out, water getting cold and evaporating. I drove to the pharmacy to pick up some prescriptions and have a consult on one of them, but after I got there to the parking lot, I changed my mind. I just couldn’t seem to get myself to actually park, get out of my car, face the world, and go inside to get all of it done. So, yeah. That’s a red flag indicating now is not the time for a career or education move. Where do I go from here?

I am trying to come up with something I could spend my life doing, love doing it, and change the lives of others, not for my gratification, but to help other people. I do not want to go back to college. I am so beyond that part of life. I am an entirely different person now. So, all of that has to be factored in. I have to take what I have, and step up to the plate, where I am. I am heading into the future with unshakable faith. I’ve so much wisdom now. The scars, and every line on my face prove this is real. It happened. I am where I am now for a reason, and it is up to me to make the changes that need to be made.

My mother has always been my best friend, and still is. She has always been right about everything, looking out for me over the years, or helping me when I was in crisis. I just wonder if maybe for once she could be wrong. I just mean, what if I am able to overcome my past and the change in cognition from the medicine that maintains my sanity? I overheard a friend of the family speaking with my mother about how her daughter was teaching overseas. I was in total shock. I was in total shock because she, like me, went through college (only graduated with a PhD) and snapped before she could really get out there. Somehow, she has overcome herself. She’s overcome her own Bipolar disorder disability. She left it all behind, no longer relies on the government. Now she’s making a really nice salary, and living a very exciting and rewarding life. If she can, I must be able to as well…

“I am a human being; therefor nothing human can be alien to me” by Terrence. That’s proof. There is life after disability.

Now.

I want to find my calling, my ultimate place in this world. I am not putting any boundaries on this, no limits. I must be realistic, but I am going to give it all I have at the same time.

I speak that all things are possible all of the time. To top that, it is even in the Bible that All things are possible with God. So, why should I stay trapped in this box I created for myself in my own mind? The box that was created over time, over the past 12 years, is filled with self doubt, fear, anxiety, memories of failures past, broken hearts, and insecurities. I must release it all before I can move forward to the next level of life. This next level is amazing, and waiting on me. Its full of happiness, inner peace, joy, and love.

I am now 29. I just lost my father. Its been a hell of 2 years up here away from my hometown, and now I am finding myself.

-Amanda-

5 thoughts on “Finding My Place…

  1. Dear Mandi,
    You might look into some of Barbara Sher’s books; she uses a phrase (I am not recalling the phrase itself now) about a creative personality that does best working on multiple projects at a time–sort of a Michelangelo style. Sher is one. She sets up multiple work stations around the house and works on the one she feels motivated by at at time. The key is to have actionable goals (I would say). The life mapping activities might help you line up your goals (esp. with the book; I am giving sort of teaser techniques in the blog; still, they are being presented in a processual manner so if you do these step by step they might help you focus on your goals.
    You invested alot of energy in dealing with your Dad’s condition. Now he is free, and in a sense (apart from your grief and loss) so are you…
    Linda

  2. Hang in there Amanda. You can recover and reach your dreams. Check our the DBSA website they have lots of resources about recovery. And remember healing takes time…

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