“Oh baby, I’m getting ready
I’m getting ready to let you go.
My hands are shakin’, my heart’s unsteady!
Oh, how I once loved you so…
I know all the magic’s gone
Wish I had a magic wand
I would put a spell on you
You would see it as I do“
-Getting Ready, by Miranda Lambert
Trouble boils yet again here on the home front. This time its a financial war. Love really is blind. I kept trying to resist all of this before it ever started…and here I am, over 5 years later. When your still voice inside tells you to let go, no matter how much you love the idea of things working out and making you happy, LISTEN!
Some problems can be worked through, while others can’t. I’m so tired of the divorce talk, and routine. I just knew that we had finally figured things out and conquered what was tearing us apart. All of the pain and talks of me leaving were over. Now this particular problem itself, will not go away. A man is supposed to be a provider and make ends meet, take care of his wife, and ultimately respect her, loving her with every ounce of his body and all of his soul… I am not a feminist. I believe in equality. I would love to work if I could…and he somehow can’t either…which is why he should not be spending all of this money like we are bringing in around 50k a year and we are far, far, far from that. There is so much inside of me screaming, but I can’t let it out-especially not on Facebook where mostly all my ‘friends’ are people in both of our families.
Unemployed people just do NOT have multiple salt water tanks! These live corals, marine fish, expensive lights etc.. are robbing us of food, the second half of the month! I am so tired of being broke. I would fair so better alone than with him. However, according to my religion I have no right to marry again because he is not dead nor has he cheated on me. So I guess I got screwed over.
I’ve prayed, there are people praying for me, no one in my Church knows the truth. I call my mother daily and complain and vent to her. I guess I am bringing her down as well. I am up here in his old hometown where his family is, and although I have my sister in her new place a few miles down the road, I am so alone.
Okay. I’m cutting this one short…saving the rest for my journal.
If you’ve read all of this, I apologize! I just had to get it out of me. The only release there is as of right now.
Decisions, decisions. How can we make this work?
-Broken housewife who has forgotten and has no idea what it means to be in love…