“Baby, It’s 3 a.m. I must be lonely…” Monday Morning Journal.

Any Matchbox Twenty Fans like my title?

I woke up at 3 a.m. this morning. It’s now nearing  4 a.m. and I am not sleepy. I took 2 evening naps though yesterday…

No classes today. I do not have to be at the office by 8 this morning, nor do I have to wake the kids and see them off to school. I suppose you could say that my nearly 29 year old life as a housewife isn’t that typical according to society or television at least, lol. My backpack has been collecting dust for a long time, I am not working and am on disability. I locked my womb with a tubal ligation in 2011 because of the Hellish genes I carry in my DNA with things like the wicked disease of Bipolar disorder.

Every day is different. I am not a robot, although sometimes it feels like I am functioning on an assembly line in the daily routine of my life. Every now and then I lose my joy and the life I’m living begins to bore me. I’m nearly 29 years old and due to medical reasons am not employed. I am in perfect shape physically, other than a bunch of weight I’ve left to lose. Its my mind that hinders me from being all that I could ever become. Actually, its the way that the medications I am on defect my cognition which inhibit me from becoming the professional that I desire to be. I must keep that in mind when making decisions concerning things like going back to school. Going off any more of these medications is not an option. Anyone who has finally achieved the “even line” with Bipolar disorder know that once you find your right place of peace, you just don’t rock the boat. Medicine trial and error can be a real b**** and hospitalization ain’t no piece of cake…I’ve come too far to mess with the cocktail that we finally discovered to keep me healthy and happily functioning most of the time.

I know that I am not alone. So many others feel this way as well. I’ve even read some of your own posts where you are struggling with the same concept of disability at a young age regarding Bipolar disorder, etc… I do not respond well to stress.

Borrowing money from Uncle Sam in times like these just doesn’t seem like a good idea, especially when you are in a situation like mine where even if you are able to acquire the degree, will you be able to work at what you’ve studied and borrowed for? I have always been a quitter. Although, I held several leadership roles in both high school and through 60 hours of college with outstanding academic honors, I have evolved, like we all do, into someone else. The me in the now is not the me that I was then. Years ago, writing papers was cake, I breathed to read, and I was so sharp. Now things are sort of blurry as I am easily confused and triple check my work in all uncertainty. Forget medical school. You can’t even work at McDonald’s with issues like that.

Something is missing. There is a space in my life, and a hole in my heart for something that’s not here right now. I was always so ambitious and driven for success, always had that get up and go about me. Now I just get up and go to the gas station or to a local restaurant in the early mornings for an egg biscuit.

On a more positive note, now that all of the Caffeine is out of my system, I am actually into reading again. I picked up a fiction book the other day and read 15 pages, which truly surpasses the usual 3 I nearly finish.

I have a Urinary Tract Infection and I’m downing Diet Caffeine Free Cherry Cola like its water. Very, very foolish

I am still unsure of what is causing this pain in my right abdomen. I went to The Urgent Treatment Center recently only to find out that I have this UTI, but am not showing any symptoms of that. The pain that I showed the doc. has nothing to do with that sort of thing. This has been going on now for about 2 weeks. I know I am far more active in the world of fitness than ever in years, but what’s really going on??? If this is a pulled muscle, would it last this long? Maybe its something more serious, like my Appendix? I don’t know.

Just a lot on my mind right now. At this point, Its after 4 a.m. now. I don’t know if my morning walks are good for me right now because of the pain. I can’t get into my family doctor for another month. So…its the E.R. if this thing blows up on me. I wish I could figure it out.

Anyways, I guess I am going to go see what I can get into this time of night… Which is probably nothing, lol.

xxxxxAmanda

 

 

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