To My Surpise: Along with my growing waistline-a greater person am I…

So…there’s been a tremendous spiritual and personal growth happening in my life. I have become sick with an upper respiratory infection and so on so I had to go the Urgent Treatment Center to see a doc. because no office is open on a Sunday. Once I made it in to get checked out, of course the medical assistant had to weigh me. Boy oh boy, I forgot about that part! I took off my heavy coat and placed both it and my purse in the chair beside the fancy, high-tech scale, and as I watched the digital numbers rise, I stood frozen. Blank. Mentally I was completely unprepared for the moment. Then, the numbers reached their stopping point, and there it was. My current weight. It is the biggest number I have ever been faced with, and I am now wearing the biggest pant size I have ever had to in my life. I am obese. In one sense I cannot believe I just confessed that on a public blog site or my own public domain! I despise ‘the O word’ as I have called it for the longest time, but we all have heard that accepting the fact that there is and you do have a problem will lead you to the personal journey of recovery.

Because of my sedentary lifestyle, severe lack of exercise, genetics, and meds, the odds have been against me for sometime. Things are changing though! You see, I am evolving, becoming the beautiful and graceful swan I am destined to be. I love the me in the now form because she has feelings too and is simply a product of pain, suffering, and the suppressing of feelings that seemed too big for her to handle, to think of, to conquer. I love the me in the now because I am a child of God, a part of the family of Jesus Christ as a member of the Bride, His Church, and this alone is the only reason I need to feel special! I respect everyone’s beliefs and their uniqueness and religon, but for me, this is how I personally am a conqueror, a victor, a dream to be realized! I am okay now. I do not need to hate myself any longer. The body absolutely does NOT RESPOND TO HATE or negativity! Trust me because I know this first hand! I did it for years…

This was me like the year before dad lost his legs and our world was shaken, later pain and weight gain… :

Image

I am absolutely in no way at all promoting staying overweight, unhealthy, remaining in a state where one is prone to terrible health problems like Diabetes, and engaging in any type of eating-disordered activity. I have just been through the ringer this last month in breaking a toe, wearing a special boot for walking, seriously injuring my left eye, seeing specialists and going to doctor appointments ever so frequently…and now I am dealing with an upper-respiratory sickness and once again cannot use my treadmill for a few days or exert myself, induce my asthma etc… Holiday calories were out of this world!!! This is not going to break me. I am going to turn this around. Our greatest setbacks prepare us for our greatest places in life. This is the most I have ever weighed, but at the same time, when a few years ago I would have just left the doc’s office in rage over the number on the scale and cussed out a few people along the way home to go to bed and cry my eyes out..NO. Now I am able to handle things. I can think straight. How, you might ask? Self-acceptance. Once you can accept who you are and see the wonderful things you have been given, what you have to work with, how fortunate you are, and you attempt to help others in your own personal time pain and suffering, things shift. Your eyes are opened.

I truly could stand in front of the mirror and give myself the most nastiest, and most cruel critique, and refuse to wear anything but a sweat suit ever again, become a recluse, avoid any social setting that could possibly bring attention to me (Also partly because of how society and the media portray the perfect woman to look like, but that’s a another blog, another day, heh)…but I say NO! You must embrace the current you to get to the future you. The now needs to be accepted in order to be ready for what is to come. She (or maybe he) wants to be recognized. A lot of times, there a rejected, wounded child within that longs for approval and to be accepted. For me, it wasn’t a child, it was a teenager… I don’t know if you’ve picked up on that yet or not.

I am in shock that I have shared this with all of you. I have grown tremendously even this last year! I am disappointment in my size and sometimes appearance, breathing issues, etc… However, I do accept myself for who I really am. I love myself.

If you too are anything like me or are having any trouble with issues in life that you need to break free from…

I strongly suggest Jesus Christ.

Godssalvation

I hope in confessing this I have inspired at least one of you!!! You can do this. I have a lot of weight to lose, but I won’t let it  ruin my life!

So lets be ready for the one to come 🙂

God bless!

-Amanda

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